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 Joke - Use of English

It's a strange old language!

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; 
But the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, 
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; 
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, 
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, 
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, 
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, 
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, 
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him, 
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.



Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

  1. The bandage was wound around the wound

  2. The farm was used to produce, produce

  3. The dump was so full, that it had to refuse more refuse

  4. We must polish the Polish furniture

  5. He could lead, if he would get the lead out

  6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert, in the desert

  7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

  8. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum

  9. When shot at, the dove, dove into the bushes

  10. I did not object, to the object

  11. The insurance was invalid, for the invalid

  12. There was a row among the oarsmen, about how to row

  13. They were too close to the door to close it

  14. The buck does funny things, when the does are present

  15. A seamstress and a sewer, fell down into a sewer line

  16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow, to sow

  17. The wind was too strong, to wind the sail

  18. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number

  19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear

  20. I had to subject the subject, to a series of tests

  21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Some other things to think about:

  • I spent last evening, evening out a pile of dirt

  • There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

  • Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

  • And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

  • Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend?

  • If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

  • If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

  • If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

  • In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

  • Why do we ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?

  • Why do we have noses that run, and feet that smell?

  • How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

  • You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

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