Life After Death
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, I do,” the new employee replied.
“Well then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you
left early yesterday, to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in
to see you!”
Palm Sunday
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny
stayed at home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home,
they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were
for. “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by.”
“Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go, he
shows up!”
Support A Family
The prospective father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a
family?”
The surprised groom-to-be replied, “Well, no. I was just planning to
support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”
First Time Sidesmen
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the Sidesmen passed
around the collection plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said
loudly, “Don’t pay for me daddy I’m under five.”
Prayers
The Sunday School teacher asked, “Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers
before eating?”
“No I don’t,” he replied, “we don’t have to, my mum’s a good cook!”
Wedding
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his
cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer
so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the
Vicar said, four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer."
Calling
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother,
"Mum, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and
I figure it will be more fun to stand up and talk, than to sit and
listen."
Writing a Sermon
A boy was watching his father, the vicar write a sermon. "How do you know
what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
Long Sermon
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mummy, if we give
him the money now, will he let us go?"
Church Drawings
Ms Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite
Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four
people on an airplane andso she asked him which story it was meant to
represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and
Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
Grandfather's Lap
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a
bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the
book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately
stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up,
"Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better
at it, isn't he?"
The Bible
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the
Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for
'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
Post Office
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
Waking Up
Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There
are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and
there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
morning."
Parking
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windscreen wiper that read: "I have circled
the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a ticket from a traffic warden officer along
with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you
a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
Artist
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls,
what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "