If you're confused with some modern business language, here are some alternative definitions.
- Appraisal - annual torture
session where everyone lies, boasts and exaggerates about what they
do.
- Budget - random numbers plucked
from the air and multiplied by the number you first thought of
Committee - wasters who gather.
- Computer - device for killing
time without others being aware you are doing it.
- Conference - windbag-fest where
the important thing is to be seen, not listen to the boring speakers.
- Consultant - person who knows
everything about subjects of no importance or use.
- Delegation - dumping work on
someone else.
- Diary - impressive bound hardback
book for decorating desks - has no entries other than name.
- E-Mail - electronic
grapevine.
- Elastic Band - vicious weapon
when it bursts, often fired intentionally, though this is a skilled
art.
- Empowerment - forcing staff to do
jobs that they are not trained or qualified for.
- Executive - member of staff who
ought to be due for execution.
- Filing - method for losing
important documents, and then blaming the loss on staff.
- Finance - incomprehensible system
used by accountants to baffle staff.
- Flexitime - ingenious system
beloved of staff which is ripe for fiddles and tricks.
- Foreman - unlucky person who does
the work of a manager but gets none of the perks.
- Helpdesk - bunch of people who
couldn't help anyone if they tried (they don't).
- Internet - toy.
- Job Description - brilliant work
of imagination deserving of its place on the fiction shelf.
- Latin - dead language for
show-offs who aren't capable of writing in plain English.
- Management - dumping ground for
failed staff.
- Meeting - technique for putting
off decisions for long periods of time (or even permanently).
- Minute - document that is
anything but minute and takes hours to read.
- Mission - statement pretentious
meaningless waffle beloved of managers.
- Payslip - herald of the pay,
opened with anticipation, read with disappointment.
- Plan - a nice wall decoration
that bears no relevance to what actually happens.
- Prioritise - do the easy work
first.
- Sick Leave - extra leave for
anyone who can successfully pretend to have colds etc over the phone.
- Staff - slaves.
- Stationery - the most portable
and easy to "borrow" of all office assets.
- Supervisor - person who watches
other people work and gets paid for it.
- Teamwork - jointly dumping work
on someone else.
- Telephone - pest.
- Toilets - secure hiding place
(see also store cupboard, filing room).
- Typist - source of all gossip and
shopping news, therefore has no time to type.
- Waffle - mode of speech used by managers at all times - see also drivel.