We're told that these are genuine flight announcements. As usual, you decide:
All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
- On an Air NZ Flight with a very
"senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies
and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."
- On landing the hostess said,
"Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to
leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
have.
- "There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft.
- As the plane landed and was coming to a
stop at Auckland, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa,
big fella. WHOA!"
- "In the event of a sudden loss of
cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If
you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your
favourite.
- "Weather at our destination is 32
degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Qantas Airways."
- Your seat cushions can be used for
flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please
paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
- Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a
very hard landing in Hobart: The flight attendant came on the intercom
and said, "That was quite bumpy and I know what you are all
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it
wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it
was the asphalt!"
- Another flight attendant's comment on a
less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
- An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really
hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying United. " He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old
lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
- After a real crusher of a landing in
Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once
the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
- Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."